a little background

My Family is about to go on a long Journey and after today's message at church I know in my heart this is right for me. The pastor talked about how God put us each on this earth for a purpose. He said even before we were conceived we had a purpose even if we weren't planned he used your parents to get us on this earth for our purpose. He told us how when he was a young boy of 7 he parents told him he would be a comedian or something big. He told us at 7 he wasn't saved and he had a long way and many mistakes to be made before he would become a pastor and later be told how funny he was and that was what made his services so great. I admit I have to agree. There was a moment this morning when I didn't see my pastor and I thought it is what it is, but each week he is not there he is missed. The other pastors we have at our church are great, but he is the heart and soul for me. Then I saw this video come up of my pastor not what I had in mind, but still enjoyable. Let me get back to my point at 7 years old people could see part of his purpose in him. I now think back to who was at at 7 ? I was just a little girl ! I loved my dolls I had dolls everywhere always had one or more in tote. I was called "little mama" and when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I said I wanted to have 6 kids when I grew up like the Brady bunch !  I knew at a very tender age that was what I wanted to do. Unlike most of the kids said Doctor, Vet, teacher, fireman, astronaut. The pastor talked more about our calling in life something that keeps you up at night. Now before I get to mine let me give you some background.

I was married less than a year when my 1st child was born. I wasn't even in my 20's so I was young, my new husband was still in school and we weren't living on our own yet. I will have to admit though when that test came back I was pregnant I was scared, yes I was worried about how our families would take the news, but nothing more. When my baby was here I loved every moment of his life and when he was under a year and I got another home pregnancy test come back positive the thought of giving my baby a brother or sister was exciting. My husband was between jobs so we waited awhile before sharing the news, but my only fear came from their criticism. When my children were still toddlers we planned our 3rd child we couldn't have been happier with our choice, but once again fear was there from our families and the year when on I had another unplanned pregnancy, but as always I was thrilled with the news my family wasn't so thrilled but as always the adjusted and love the baby. That didn't come with our grief and as my 5th child was planned and the grief from my family set in I made a hard decision as I had 5 children in 7 years to close the doors and said my family was complete. Did I ever truly feel this way ? I don't think so, but I felt in my heart I would never be sad by a new baby and I would never say I can't do this anymore. I said What I felt everyone wanted to hear. I told everyone I looked forward to not always breastfeeding or being pregnant and not having to lung so much around for an infant. It's been 4 1/2 years since our baby came into this world. All our children are a joy, I have my moments I ask why did I want 5 kids ? Well If you really must know. I am an only child ! I am the one and only. When my parents make me pull my hair out who do I have to call ? no one....who can understand why our gene pool is no nuts ..no one...when I got married I had to look around for brides maids no sister ...and 2 of the 4 brides maids I have turned my backs on them because they disagree with my family size. When I had my babies who threw me a baby shower or Celebration of birth party my friends. What will my parents house be like when they are gone... Empty...just me and my kids and if my parents can't make it to Christmas or thanksgiving dinner what makes it any different than any other day ? any cousins there ? nope... Will anyone ever ask me to be a godparent nope. I feel I lost out on so much by not having any siblings. I want to give my kids what I don't have. I want them to be close and love each other hate this other, but have each other. I'm sure I will have at least one child that makes me worry and the others wonder what will she/he do with their life and will be a handful forever. I'm sure not everyone will be close with everyone. I'm sure they will be closer with some more than others, but I actually look forward to looking in on them with all the chatter in the adult years.

When our youngest was just a few months old my husband had a vasectomy. I pushed for it cause I felt the questions of when are you done would stop, but every time a stranger asked sometimes I would say I'm done but most of the time I just answered we will see because we went into the vasectomy with a reversal as our back up to change it only did we learn how costly it can be and how you have a small window of 10 years to reverse it. Often I was out and someone would ask me if I was done and someone would answer for me and i piece of me would die every time I heard that.

My husband is an extraordinary father. He has his faults but I could list each thing he did as a father I disapproved and on my fingers I could give you an example over a 12 year period where with most men I find they don't do well with their children alone for a long period of time today alone my husband was with all 5 kids for 8 hours. I won't tell he he wasn't a little annoyed and tried, but who wouldn't be ? He a wonderful father we made this children together and the choice to have them together. There has been people in our lives who think one of us made the sole choice to have this family that simple isn't true. The have been people in this world who don't agree with families having more than 2 children, but if we did that we would boring life and what is right for one person isn't right for another. I have heard time and time again How do you do it ? I'm pulling out my hair with my one, two, or three kids. some people aren't cut out to be stay at home moms and have large families I truly believe that was God purpose for me. My pastor said what keeps you up at night ! The thought of the journey and this baby. We have along way to do. we have to travel several states to find a doctor who can do our reversal which we have a phone consult with him early next month and then we do want to plan this baby to when our financial situation is a little bit better which should be in teh next 3 years, but I also have to watch my age not that I would not love a child that wasn't perfect he or she would be our little blessing from god. As the pastor said he made mistakes before getting to his purpose God had for him, yes I started my purpose but I feel the vasectomy was our mistake and this baby keeps me up at night. I had to name our baby just to know this baby is loved before he or she is created. I think about teh purpose the baby already has. When out with my children I can already see him or her as part of our family and All I ask for is many prayers that it's god plans for this to work out and give us another child.

How will I deal with the grief my family will give ? what will I tell everyone I don't know this is something I need God's help with.

I'm sure your wondering what the names are so I will leave you with those
our little boy with me Maxxwell Jaxxson our little MJ or our little girl who has a very different name I spent 4 years working Avalisse Elizajayne.